Almost everyone, deep down, has a grudge against someone. It is in our own best interest to get rid of this relentlessly pursuing and consuming feeling – but how?
When you spend forty hours a week with the same people, it’s not surprising that sometimes one of them rubs you the wrong way. One of my lingering grievances arose at the Christmas party, the first one I attended as a newcomer to the newsroom. At some point, everyone at the table wanted to go out for a smoke. Only I and an older and more experienced journalist stayed. “Don’t leave me alone!” – He said. When someone pointed at me, he replied: “I said what I said.” It couldn’t have been clearer. I was nobody to him, just a random person in their company. While the others had not returned, we sat in silence, each staring at our own phones. Later, I worked with that colleague without any major conflicts – but I didn’t forget anything.
It may seem trivial, but the story is typical. At work, insults to each other occur regularly and sometimes have a noticeable impact on productivity. Carrying resentment is detrimental to health. It is a constant source of stress, and people susceptible to it are more prone to a number of diseases, such as cardiovascular disease, arthritis, and chronic headaches.
In such cases, psychologists say it is better to clarify the relationship than to suppress emotions. But finding a constructive and emotionally honest response can be difficult. The offender may not always be willing to apologize and take steps toward you. So scientists offer other ways to heal the emotional wounds inflicted by others.
The first thought that comes to mind is revenge. You can harm the person who has done you harm: play a prank on them, rudely refuse to help them, or spread an unfavorable rumor about them.
To stay angry or to forgive? We explain quickly, simply, and clearly what happened, why it matters, and what happens next. Episodes End of story podcast advertisement This desire is understandable: revenge, we believe, restores justice and enhances our self-esteem. Unfortunately, in reality, it escalates the conflict and can turn against you.
However, it is possible to achieve the desired result without taking risks, as noted in the fascinating work of Lindy Lian, a psychologist at Wilfrid Laurier University in Canada. Lindy Lyan asked participants in the experiment to recall and vividly imagine instances when they were offended by their boss: when he was rude, dismissed their ideas, or did not properly appreciate their work. Then half of them were shown virtual voodoo dolls and told that the doll is their abuser and they can do whatever they want to it with virtual sharp objects. The other half were also shown dolls on computer screens, but announced that it was just “someone” and asked to outline its contours with a cursor. In the third stage, a written task was proposed: to characterize one’s attitude toward a long-standing incident by filling in the ellipses between the first and last letters of words that, depending on the choice, could sound like “unusual” or “unfair,” “restless” or “unjust. The purpose of the procedure is that a person who has been offended and is still affected by it is more likely to choose words associated with a sense of injustice.
Surprisingly, it turned out that people who were given the opportunity to stick a virtual pin into a doll representing their boss (similar to followers of the pagan voodoo cult) felt less injustice. They often chose more neutral words, giving their feelings a symbolic outlet. Lindi Lyan is not suggesting that everyone keep a voodoo doll in their desk drawer. But she believes that until companies solve the problem of authoritarian leadership and workplace bullying, there are still some ways to release tension. For example, you can write a hurtful email to someone expressing your true thoughts about them, but not send it. This is much safer than actual revenge. Of course, generosity is above revenge, even virtual revenge. The problem is that it is difficult to achieve.
Scientists say that sometimes it is better to let emotions out. “All the world’s religions have preached to some degree for thousands of years the ability to ‘bless those who hate us,’ emphasizing the salvation of the soul. But psychology proves that forgiveness is also beneficial in earthly life: for the mental and physical health of a person; science also teaches how to achieve this.” This topic is dedicated to a body of work by Karina Shuman, director of the Conflict Resolution Laboratory at the University of Pittsburgh. She was interested in how perceiving oneself as a victim affects self-esteem, including one’s sense of self-worth.
It turns out that people who see themselves as victims are often dissatisfied with themselves, expressing themselves as follows: “I am a superficial person, I lack depth,” or “I lack perseverance, I act like an animal. By interviewing people about their past experiences, Shuman found that the ability to forgive offers numerous emotional benefits, especially in restoring self-esteem far better than revenge. Such an approach also improves attitudes toward the event that caused the distress.
To validate her arguments, Schumann asked each participant to recall an unresolved conflict and write a letter to the offender – either angry or conciliatory. The complaints ranged from sharp remarks about appearance to infidelity. Not everyone found the strength to forgive, but those who did experienced an improvement in their self-image and overall well-being. Although revenge can give a sense of power, “it does not allow us to feel more human,” Shuman writes in a work published this year. “Forgiveness gives us a sense of moral superiority because we acted in such a noble way. It restores our perception of ourselves as human beings,” the psychologist believes.
“If you find it difficult to forgive, try to put yourself in the offender’s shoes,” Schumann advises. “Look at the situation from their perspective, try to understand their logic, evaluate all the circumstances and reasons for their harmful behavior,” she says.
Putting yourself in the offender’s shoes is not always easy, but it allows you to understand their logic. Also consider whether your abuser is capable of changing for the better. There are two views of human nature: some believe that character is given once and for all, while others believe that people change over time. According to recent research, those who believe in the former are more likely to hold grudges and seek revenge, while those who believe in the latter are more forgiving.
The reasons for this are quite understandable: if you perceive every single incident as a manifestation of irredeemable malice, such a person is much less deserving of understanding and forgiveness. Of course, it all depends on the circumstances: if someone keeps insulting you, it’s hard to believe that person is capable of changing. But if it is a single case, you should ask yourself if you are paying too much attention to it. Maybe it makes you doubt the person’s ability to change his or her behavior? Such questions can pave the way for forgiveness.
In the end, no one wants to be judged without consideration for every wrong step and every unsuccessful word. It is better for us to approach others from a position of presumed innocence. I will try to remember this the next time I see my colleague who hurt me.
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David Robson writes about popular science topics. His new book, “The Expectation Effect: How Your Mindset Can Transform Your Life,” will be released in early 2022. Follow him on Twitter @d_a_robson.